My biggest weakness is my tendency towards inaction, laziness, idleness and escapism.
This tendency has created false beliefs.
In order to justify these tendencies, I have had to create false beliefs about the myself and my relation to the world.
This tendency is very strong and there is always a fear lurking underneath because of this.
The fear is that this tendency will result in failure, humiliation and death.
As I see it, activity cannot be avoided. One must be apparently active to live in this apparent world.
The question then becomes what activity is to be done and what is to be avoided?
Drowning oneself in activity is no cure for this.
Thus natural activities, duties and responsibilities must be engaged. One must be very clear as to what one is supposed to do and what one is supposed to avoid. The activities and duties which cannot be avoided must be engaged in. The main thing is to realize what needs to be done and what needs to be avoided.
Unfinished activity is the source of great stress. Either throw it away or get it done. No point dangling in between.
Right now, first worldly priority is to complete unfinished projects and to avoid starting new ones. Do not begin new projects as it will only increase stress.
The most important part is to be transparent with the boss. Let him know what you are doing even if you think that it is of no direct benefit to you. This will avoid a lot of unnecessary misery. Being transparent frees up a lot of inner space. Although it might seem a little difficult at first. And it avoids misery. This means being honest even about your lack of progress. Truthfulness and transparency in worldly dealings brings great inner peace. Lack of transparency only promotes misery. Also be transparent with colleagues about your transparency with the boss. Be transparent with everyone. Hiding something brings heaviness. Transparency itself is freedom. Truthfulness and integrity should be the first priority in worldly matters.
Never regret telling the truth. Make it a habit. Truth, courage and clarity are companions. And so are deceit, malice and misery. Whom do you want to interact with. I have tried to be deceitful and I have been malicious and I have experienced misery. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the world. This alone is important. More than success and failure. To deceive the world is to deceive the self. Be honest with everyone. Honesty is the best policy. Even if it means failure. It is better to be an honest failure rather than a deceitful success. You may be a failure all your life. You might even turn up being an idler and an escapist. But do not be a liar. This is most important. Be true to who you are. Be true with the world. Whatever the consequences.
Let me be a little true here:
I have been a malicious person. I have had malice in me all my life. I have always hated it when other people have succeeded. I have hated other people for having a life of ease. I have been deeply envious of those around me for some or the other reason. I have sometimes even hated my parents and my family. Above all, I have hated this world and have hated my life and hated other people. I have tried to deceive the world by pretending to like it, pretending to be friends with other people and pretending that I have a good life. There is such strong malice within that everything that I have touched in my life has been touched by this malice. And I have desired to control everyone so that I can control their life and make their lives full of misery just like mine. I have never really understood how it is possible to genuinely love another person. I have only hated and desired to cause pain and misery to others. I have mentally been living like a virus. My existence has never been good for the world. So, this malice in me is because I have always felt misery. And I have never really related emotionally with another person. Afraid that this malice might be revealed. This has caused me to live a deceitful life always pretending and faking. Never really authentic. I have never been an authentic person in my life. And my biggest fear is that other people will go ahead and I will be left behind and no one would even care.
And spirituality then became a drug. I found my escape here. With all the talk about awareness and duality and the unreality of the world. The truth is this. I am terrified of this world. I am terrified of who I have become. And I have no idea what to do anymore. A deep dread fills my whole being. And I am afraid that no one will ever see me. See into who I really am. Above all, I feel that I am completely helpless to change myself.
So there, that is the truth about who I am. Who this person is and what he deals with. I have found that words are futile to effect change. Unless there is intense desire for change, it will not happen. To act is an act of faith. To act and be true to who you are is an act of great faith and courage. The most courageous thing possible is to be completely true to who you are and to live your life as an expression of that truth. Only and only this matters. All else including spirituality, religion, awareness and God is secondary. Realize who you are and act it out without any apologies whatsoever. To the point of death!!!!!
This tendency has created false beliefs.
In order to justify these tendencies, I have had to create false beliefs about the myself and my relation to the world.
This tendency is very strong and there is always a fear lurking underneath because of this.
The fear is that this tendency will result in failure, humiliation and death.
As I see it, activity cannot be avoided. One must be apparently active to live in this apparent world.
The question then becomes what activity is to be done and what is to be avoided?
Drowning oneself in activity is no cure for this.
Thus natural activities, duties and responsibilities must be engaged. One must be very clear as to what one is supposed to do and what one is supposed to avoid. The activities and duties which cannot be avoided must be engaged in. The main thing is to realize what needs to be done and what needs to be avoided.
Unfinished activity is the source of great stress. Either throw it away or get it done. No point dangling in between.
Right now, first worldly priority is to complete unfinished projects and to avoid starting new ones. Do not begin new projects as it will only increase stress.
The most important part is to be transparent with the boss. Let him know what you are doing even if you think that it is of no direct benefit to you. This will avoid a lot of unnecessary misery. Being transparent frees up a lot of inner space. Although it might seem a little difficult at first. And it avoids misery. This means being honest even about your lack of progress. Truthfulness and transparency in worldly dealings brings great inner peace. Lack of transparency only promotes misery. Also be transparent with colleagues about your transparency with the boss. Be transparent with everyone. Hiding something brings heaviness. Transparency itself is freedom. Truthfulness and integrity should be the first priority in worldly matters.
Never regret telling the truth. Make it a habit. Truth, courage and clarity are companions. And so are deceit, malice and misery. Whom do you want to interact with. I have tried to be deceitful and I have been malicious and I have experienced misery. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the world. This alone is important. More than success and failure. To deceive the world is to deceive the self. Be honest with everyone. Honesty is the best policy. Even if it means failure. It is better to be an honest failure rather than a deceitful success. You may be a failure all your life. You might even turn up being an idler and an escapist. But do not be a liar. This is most important. Be true to who you are. Be true with the world. Whatever the consequences.
Let me be a little true here:
I have been a malicious person. I have had malice in me all my life. I have always hated it when other people have succeeded. I have hated other people for having a life of ease. I have been deeply envious of those around me for some or the other reason. I have sometimes even hated my parents and my family. Above all, I have hated this world and have hated my life and hated other people. I have tried to deceive the world by pretending to like it, pretending to be friends with other people and pretending that I have a good life. There is such strong malice within that everything that I have touched in my life has been touched by this malice. And I have desired to control everyone so that I can control their life and make their lives full of misery just like mine. I have never really understood how it is possible to genuinely love another person. I have only hated and desired to cause pain and misery to others. I have mentally been living like a virus. My existence has never been good for the world. So, this malice in me is because I have always felt misery. And I have never really related emotionally with another person. Afraid that this malice might be revealed. This has caused me to live a deceitful life always pretending and faking. Never really authentic. I have never been an authentic person in my life. And my biggest fear is that other people will go ahead and I will be left behind and no one would even care.
And spirituality then became a drug. I found my escape here. With all the talk about awareness and duality and the unreality of the world. The truth is this. I am terrified of this world. I am terrified of who I have become. And I have no idea what to do anymore. A deep dread fills my whole being. And I am afraid that no one will ever see me. See into who I really am. Above all, I feel that I am completely helpless to change myself.
So there, that is the truth about who I am. Who this person is and what he deals with. I have found that words are futile to effect change. Unless there is intense desire for change, it will not happen. To act is an act of faith. To act and be true to who you are is an act of great faith and courage. The most courageous thing possible is to be completely true to who you are and to live your life as an expression of that truth. Only and only this matters. All else including spirituality, religion, awareness and God is secondary. Realize who you are and act it out without any apologies whatsoever. To the point of death!!!!!
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