story of my life

The story of my life has been a story of loss. I have lost almost everything that I prized.
One reason for this is because I dont seem to be attached very strongly to things as most other people. People around me cling desperately to their possessions. Whereas I am not so attached to things. I will probably escape trouble and effort if I can. Detachment creates a sense of futility. It makes all the striving of life seem meaningless. Why this senseless struggle for survival? Everyone wants to hang on with all that they have. I alone seem to drift. Without a sense of purpose..

On Loss

Loss is inevitably followed by fear. A great anxiety about the future fills you. How will I live without an income? How will I live without my beloved? How will I live with this ailment? No matter how proud you are, loss will inevitably strike and with it a sense of anxiety over the future? This anxiety envelops the mind in a great darkness? These questions cannot be answered at the moment of loss. This needs to be seen first. At this moment in time when you are looking directly at your great fear, you must realize that it is futile to seek answers now. Just look at the fear. Let us see what we find...

Say, you have lost your source of income...now you fear for your future survival and comfort...you fear that something horrible will happen to you in the future because of this loss...ok, now what is the worst that can happen...Death...i think you will agree with me on this....the worst thing that could happen to you is that you will die...if not death then maybe you will have to endure humiliation...or you might have to endure physical pain and hunger...you are afraid of startving to death...you are also afraid of the pain that will precede death...you are also afraid of being seen as a loser by others...but anyway, the worst that could happen to you is that you will die a painful death...let us make a list of the bad things that could happen in the future following loss of income:

1. Die a painful death from starvation
2. Suffer humiliation from society
3. Forced to be dependent on other people's charity
4. Lose your home and become homeless
5. Complete loss of pride

Ok, so these are the fears of loss of income. Basically, your survival is questioned and your pride is lost. Note that these are the worst things...

The first great truth of life is that all things that are born will die. Death is inevitable for all born things. You are going to die, irrespective of whether you lose your source of income or not. The only thing is that you might die sooner than others due to your income loss. And endure humiliation on the way to your early death. As regards humiliation, life brings everyone to their knees. All beings are humiliated by life.

This brings us to the second great truth which is that you are not who you think you are.You might consider yourself to be a brilliant and gifted person incapable of failure. But you are not who you think you are. In order to win the approval of other people, you delude yourself into believing some strange things about yourself. These beliefs which you have about yourself are all false and nothing but mere self delusion. Give them up. So, life will humiliate you if you believe in your own greatness. This too is inevitable. Your sense of self importance will be shattered and this is the experience of humiliation. So, if you do not have false beliefs about yourself, you cannot experience humiliation. So far, loss of income has forced you to see two truths about life and yourself. This belief in our own importance is a hard one to give up. And especially hard to endure when shattered. Infact, it can be said that this belief is responsible for most of the misery and fear in life. So give up your pride and make yourself immune to humiliation. This is actually the toughest nut to crack. Because our sense of self importance is in our own perception. To endure humiliation is the hardest thing in the world.

Now the next is the fear of physical pain. This fear is universal and is not dependent on one's position or status in life. Physical pain is also a truth of life. As long as the body or vessel exists, pain is unavoidable. Physical pain is nature communicating with you.

Let us also deal with another emotion that accompanies loss along with fear. And that is envy. When you lose something, you will envy others who have that which you have lost. This is a deep emotion. The origin of envy is comparision. You refuse to be at the bottom of the scale when compared to others whom you perceive to be above you. Infact you hate the ones on top. It is envy that drives you to seek the top. And when you fall, the sense of envy can become intense. The only cure for envy is to realize that comparision is futile and to humbly accept your position in life wherever it might be. Realize that we are all part of one whole and each being has their own issues in life. If you are able to truly and humbly accept your position in life, you will find great peace. If not, then envy will drive you to strive. Again, it is your belief in your own sense of importance that makes you envy. Give up your pride and envy will leave you. Because envy follows pride. Humility is truly your greatest treasure. Acceptance follows humility. Give up all ideas of your own greatness and worthiness. Dont worry if you can't because life will keep reminding you ;-).

Loss...a personal story

Today is one of the lowest points of my life. I have realized that I am a loser. I have ruined my life.
I always thought that I was pretty good in academics and after having got low grades in my first semester, I thought that I would do better and overcome the minimum grade point hurdle in the second semester. Two of my peers did even worse than me and I thought that they would not make it past the second semester and would be unable to cross the grade point hurdle. But today when the results of the second semester were out, I saw that it was I who had screwed up  while my two peers whose performance in the first semester was much worse than mine had performed much better than me and had crossed the safety net (meaning the minimum grade point). I who supposedly had a much easier task than either of them was unable to make it. This is probably one of the worst feelings in my life. I see myself as a pathetic and terrible failure. I doubt if I can ever succeed in life. I just dont seem to have the will and determination and attachment that the others seem to possess. I have always taken the easy way out in life and been an escapist. I have refused to come out of my confort zone and put myself to inconvenience. And today, I have to face up to the consequences of this tendency. I feel miserable and a total failure.

Life is strange indeed. All your thoughts about how you think it will turn out are false. Never assume anything in life. Today I have seen how everything can change overnight. If you think that you are too good and will effortlessly cruise through life because of your seeming great potential and talent, life can be a tough teacher. It is very hard to face the fact that you are not who you think you are and other people are not who you thought they were. All the thoughts and beliefs that you have about life might be false. And it is very hard to face up to the truth when it hits you. You are not who you think you are. Face it my friend. You have been having far too many illusions about your own greatness. Life is much wiser than any person including yourself. You dont know anything. All that you think you know and consider sacred and set in stone is mere superstition and dogma. Nothing is as it seems. All your thoughts about yourself are false. All your self importance is mere delusion.

Today I have disappointed a lot of people including myself the most. How did they do it? They who were in a worse position than me and a more difficult task ahead of me and were not expected to go ahead of me? How could I have lost to them? How the hell did I end up the loser? Watching those behind me race ahead to safety...this has been the story of my life...I who was touted to be a prodigy, someone with hordes of talent and potential, whose raw intelligence and capability was much higher than others end up watching those with much lower potential, those who were supposed to be failures, those who seemed to be no good race on ahead of me and I am left behind watching everyone go ahead...Looking back now, I see very few people and new faces, all the old familiar faces behind me have gone ahead past me in every walk of life, be it career or relationship or happiness...I have lost everything, struggling to stay afloat, doing things only so that I am able to catch up, no inherent interest. Everything I do is merely to catch up to those ahead of me. If I leave the race, I will be ashamed of myself and filled with guilt. I deeply envy those ahead of me and yet I find myself unable to quit out of shame. How can I quit when those with much lower skills than me are succeeding? How can I quit when those with much lower abilties are conquering ever new milestones. How can I be finding everything so fucking difficult? And why is it so difficult for me to cope? How do the others manage to cope with life and failure? I dont seem to be able to deal with life...how do you guys do it, please let me know...i might put on an appearance of strength but deep down i am tired and weak and scared...maybe i will be a loser and failure all through life...an 'escapist' who never had the courage to face up to life and improve himself...an 'escapist' with no determination to better himself and his circumstances...an 'escapist' afraid of responsibilities and obligations....an 'escapist' too weak to have a wife or family or success...who escapes into the darkness of his own mind...unable to support himself...too weak to face the truth of life..thats who i am...i have never had the courage to propose to a woman or to even convey my feelings to those whom i have loved, so i lost them all...i even lost my pride when i discovered that i am too weak to succeed...too weak to endure any responsibilities...how can i pretend to be someone great and capable in this world?...i have fallen down hard, all my delusions have been broken...i realize that i am incapable and worthless and weak...i dont pretend to be strong or capable...i dont know anything...life is much wiser than i...i dont even know if i should quit or stay...i am not even capable of deciding that...

i keep making the same mistakes over and oer again...i am incapable of learning from my mistakes...i am one of the black sheeps of humanity...all i know is to destroy something good...everything that people tell you that you shouldn't be, i am that, i am everything that the world hates...i am an example of all that has gone wrong...i guess i have to live at the bottom...and be the last one...eventually everyone else will go ahead of me and i will be the last one left...parents will advise their children to work hard or else they will end up as me...the only reason i dont quit is because of fear...and maybe someday, inspite of myself life will surprise me...but even then i might be incapable to taking the opportunity...i am deeply afraid of falling...i am deeply afraid of being last...i dont want to be last, but i dont have the determination to overcome others who are so strong in the game of survival...i have no more confidence in myself...escapists cannot win, they are destined to lose...and i am an escapist, so i will lose...yet i am afraid of losing...i dont want to leave my comfort zone and i dont want to lose...and i dont have determination...am not geared to survive in this world...death is near...i feel it approaching, but even worse than death is humiliation and the loss of pride...i have been humiliated by life today...i have lost all my pride...who am i?

Attachment and bondage

Going about our daily lives in the world, the mind tends to get excited, thoughts seem to keep banging inside the head and we get weary and a sense of heaviness fills up. Tormented by the continuous barrage of thoughts, is there no hope of redemption? Yes, there are a few moments in life when thought stops and life flows. But otherwise, the weariness of daily life fills us to the core. There is no peace and only continuous motion and restlessness. Even silence seems not to last. Attachment to the world brings with it a terrible weariness. Consumed by innumerable anxities and worries, life becomes a drab. Inspite of all the wealth and health, there seems to be no rest. True peace can only come with complete detachment. Even a small attachment will pull you back into the world. Fear creates attachment. Attachment is desire. Without desire, there is no attachment.  Thus desire is the cause of all unrest. As long as there is desire, there will be bondage. The heart will wither away. And only death will provide rest. Chained to the expectations of the world, we find no rest.

Abandon all hope my friend. Realize that you do not belong to this world, nor to any other person in this world. This world is not your true home. Yes, it comes up for a moment like a dream. And while we are in it, we cannot imagine another state. But you do not belong here. The illusion that you do will cause great unrest. Yes, this world has been created to cause unrest. There is no rest here. This world cannot provide peace. It is just a play of countless forms. Forever in motion, unable to find rest. Caught up in its web and surface charm, you will be disillusioned. And then, one in it you will be trapped. And then, only death will relieve you. Loss is the nature of this world. Everything which is gained is finally lost. Do not seek redemption in this world. True peace comes from returning back to where you belong. Not amidst this ever changing, forever moving machine of the world. Yes, there is glamor and lust and temptation and sex, but these dont provide rest to the mind. Only a temporary high. You are here in this world, no point renouncing it. But you are not from it. Realize the true mother. Only in her will rest be found.

Accepting Regret

Even the moments of deepest regret in your life have their purpose. In the times when you feel that you have chosen wrongly or not done something which you should have, keep your patience. I want you to remember this. Because when regret strikes deep, it consumes you and you are unable to see the light. Especially when you don't do what you think you should have done. There is something that connects every event. Even you regret is part of this larger scheme. But this larger scheme cannot be known. Just keep patience.

Trust lies at the very root of life. Without trust, there can be no serenity. So trust my friend, especially in the moments when you judge yourself most harshly...in the end trust and patience alone endure...especially in matters of the heart and love...Trust that things stand exactly as they are supposed to, no matter what...

Feeling deep regret is also a part of life...you may feel as though you have made a huge blunder or that you did not do something you should have done, or that you did something totally foolish and stupid, but please dont give up trust, give up your life, give up your work, give up even your relationship, but dont give up trust..its the only thing that cannot be taken from you...

Today, I have seen how things are absolutely not how they seem...I thought that I made a huge mistake by doing something I shouldn't have but witnessed later on how that which I considered to be my mistake was in actuality perfect! What I thought was wrong was in reality exactly how it was supposed to be! So, laugh my friend at life's paradox...Every thing is perfect...every event in your life...even the ones in which you consider to have made a huge mistake...every moment of your life is perfect...no matter how great you perceive your loss or mistake, it all makes perfect sense...in this you must trust my friend...this is not hope for a better future or fear of a worse one, but accept the complete perfection of this very moment! In a way, it is already accepted, just realize this...

Why still single

Who am I? Lets shed some light on this..
Why am I single? I simply cannot conceive of the possibility of proposing to a girl...
Because at heart, I am unable to believe that my beloved can love another...
If she can love another, then I cannot love her...
I cannot accept the possibility that I love her and she loves another...
Maybe I am just being a coward...
But proposing to a girl is the most frightening thing...
What if she says no?
Even worse, what if she says yes???
What am I to do then?
And how do you decide whom to propose to? And when to?

Silence

The movement and restlessness of thoughts...
Stop for a moment
And in this moment
Deep in this moment
Silence pervades

Life?

Is happiness truly the aim in life? What if happiness is not the aim of life? What if the desire for happiness prevents happiness? What if life is not about being happy? What if there is no measure of a successful or failed life? What if life just is? Life just is?

Peace

Basically, there are two things...one is how you want life to be and the other is how life actually is, you will find peace when there is no contradiction between the two.

You want to know the answers to everything, you want all questions answered immediately, but that is not how life actually is, live is about living the questions, not finding the answers, the sooner you accept this, the sooner you find peace...the only thing you need to know is that you need to give up the desire to know..

the final wisdom

Ultimately, life's final wisdom consists of allowing it to unfold itself....There is no permanent state you can be in...just let life be as it is....allowance....as they say, whether you succeed or fail, whether you marry or remain single, whether you are together or alone, whether you have attachment or neither, its all fine and perfectly ok...

Just remember this one thing in all moments of darkness or light or not...everything is fine and all is well....
happiness, sadness, suffering, pain, fear, anger, envy, hate, loss, stress all these are visitors, welcome all as they come, no one stays forever, neither happiness nor sorrow nor pain is permanent, embrace life as it is, it doesn't matter much in the end....all things big and small, all lives great and ordinary, all people short and tall, life is all...

the wheel of life keeps spinning, no rest for a single soul, continuous movement all around, yet a stillness deep around, worthy or unworthy, responsible or irresponsible, loved or unloved, all colours abound, stop resisting or not, its all perfectly fine....each thing in its place, no need for anything else, all is fine and all is well, its life that is this way...no final answer to life, nothing to know by mind, life's mysteries forever beyond our grasp, the secret is to take it all!

i don't care whether you laugh or cry, whether you despair or die, whether you love or cry, now that we are already in, let us enjoy...i have tried to overcome life, to resist circumstances, to deny, but life is life and i am life and all this is fine...life goes on...all is fine...all is well...dont take it too personally....

:-)

When the mind sees the beloved, when the soul and heart see the beloved, it becomes absolutely clear that all your life until that point was just to bring you here to this moment where all time stops still...