Today is one of the lowest points of my life. I have realized that I am a loser. I have ruined my life.
I always thought that I was pretty good in academics and after having got low grades in my first semester, I thought that I would do better and overcome the minimum grade point hurdle in the second semester. Two of my peers did even worse than me and I thought that they would not make it past the second semester and would be unable to cross the grade point hurdle. But today when the results of the second semester were out, I saw that it was I who had screwed up while my two peers whose performance in the first semester was much worse than mine had performed much better than me and had crossed the safety net (meaning the minimum grade point). I who supposedly had a much easier task than either of them was unable to make it. This is probably one of the worst feelings in my life. I see myself as a pathetic and terrible failure. I doubt if I can ever succeed in life. I just dont seem to have the will and determination and attachment that the others seem to possess. I have always taken the easy way out in life and been an escapist. I have refused to come out of my confort zone and put myself to inconvenience. And today, I have to face up to the consequences of this tendency. I feel miserable and a total failure.
Life is strange indeed. All your thoughts about how you think it will turn out are false. Never assume anything in life. Today I have seen how everything can change overnight. If you think that you are too good and will effortlessly cruise through life because of your seeming great potential and talent, life can be a tough teacher. It is very hard to face the fact that you are not who you think you are and other people are not who you thought they were. All the thoughts and beliefs that you have about life might be false. And it is very hard to face up to the truth when it hits you. You are not who you think you are. Face it my friend. You have been having far too many illusions about your own greatness. Life is much wiser than any person including yourself. You dont know anything. All that you think you know and consider sacred and set in stone is mere superstition and dogma. Nothing is as it seems. All your thoughts about yourself are false. All your self importance is mere delusion.
Today I have disappointed a lot of people including myself the most. How did they do it? They who were in a worse position than me and a more difficult task ahead of me and were not expected to go ahead of me? How could I have lost to them? How the hell did I end up the loser? Watching those behind me race ahead to safety...this has been the story of my life...I who was touted to be a prodigy, someone with hordes of talent and potential, whose raw intelligence and capability was much higher than others end up watching those with much lower potential, those who were supposed to be failures, those who seemed to be no good race on ahead of me and I am left behind watching everyone go ahead...Looking back now, I see very few people and new faces, all the old familiar faces behind me have gone ahead past me in every walk of life, be it career or relationship or happiness...I have lost everything, struggling to stay afloat, doing things only so that I am able to catch up, no inherent interest. Everything I do is merely to catch up to those ahead of me. If I leave the race, I will be ashamed of myself and filled with guilt. I deeply envy those ahead of me and yet I find myself unable to quit out of shame. How can I quit when those with much lower skills than me are succeeding? How can I quit when those with much lower abilties are conquering ever new milestones. How can I be finding everything so fucking difficult? And why is it so difficult for me to cope? How do the others manage to cope with life and failure? I dont seem to be able to deal with life...how do you guys do it, please let me know...i might put on an appearance of strength but deep down i am tired and weak and scared...maybe i will be a loser and failure all through life...an 'escapist' who never had the courage to face up to life and improve himself...an 'escapist' with no determination to better himself and his circumstances...an 'escapist' afraid of responsibilities and obligations....an 'escapist' too weak to have a wife or family or success...who escapes into the darkness of his own mind...unable to support himself...too weak to face the truth of life..thats who i am...i have never had the courage to propose to a woman or to even convey my feelings to those whom i have loved, so i lost them all...i even lost my pride when i discovered that i am too weak to succeed...too weak to endure any responsibilities...how can i pretend to be someone great and capable in this world?...i have fallen down hard, all my delusions have been broken...i realize that i am incapable and worthless and weak...i dont pretend to be strong or capable...i dont know anything...life is much wiser than i...i dont even know if i should quit or stay...i am not even capable of deciding that...
i keep making the same mistakes over and oer again...i am incapable of learning from my mistakes...i am one of the black sheeps of humanity...all i know is to destroy something good...everything that people tell you that you shouldn't be, i am that, i am everything that the world hates...i am an example of all that has gone wrong...i guess i have to live at the bottom...and be the last one...eventually everyone else will go ahead of me and i will be the last one left...parents will advise their children to work hard or else they will end up as me...the only reason i dont quit is because of fear...and maybe someday, inspite of myself life will surprise me...but even then i might be incapable to taking the opportunity...i am deeply afraid of falling...i am deeply afraid of being last...i dont want to be last, but i dont have the determination to overcome others who are so strong in the game of survival...i have no more confidence in myself...escapists cannot win, they are destined to lose...and i am an escapist, so i will lose...yet i am afraid of losing...i dont want to leave my comfort zone and i dont want to lose...and i dont have determination...am not geared to survive in this world...death is near...i feel it approaching, but even worse than death is humiliation and the loss of pride...i have been humiliated by life today...i have lost all my pride...who am i?
I always thought that I was pretty good in academics and after having got low grades in my first semester, I thought that I would do better and overcome the minimum grade point hurdle in the second semester. Two of my peers did even worse than me and I thought that they would not make it past the second semester and would be unable to cross the grade point hurdle. But today when the results of the second semester were out, I saw that it was I who had screwed up while my two peers whose performance in the first semester was much worse than mine had performed much better than me and had crossed the safety net (meaning the minimum grade point). I who supposedly had a much easier task than either of them was unable to make it. This is probably one of the worst feelings in my life. I see myself as a pathetic and terrible failure. I doubt if I can ever succeed in life. I just dont seem to have the will and determination and attachment that the others seem to possess. I have always taken the easy way out in life and been an escapist. I have refused to come out of my confort zone and put myself to inconvenience. And today, I have to face up to the consequences of this tendency. I feel miserable and a total failure.
Life is strange indeed. All your thoughts about how you think it will turn out are false. Never assume anything in life. Today I have seen how everything can change overnight. If you think that you are too good and will effortlessly cruise through life because of your seeming great potential and talent, life can be a tough teacher. It is very hard to face the fact that you are not who you think you are and other people are not who you thought they were. All the thoughts and beliefs that you have about life might be false. And it is very hard to face up to the truth when it hits you. You are not who you think you are. Face it my friend. You have been having far too many illusions about your own greatness. Life is much wiser than any person including yourself. You dont know anything. All that you think you know and consider sacred and set in stone is mere superstition and dogma. Nothing is as it seems. All your thoughts about yourself are false. All your self importance is mere delusion.
Today I have disappointed a lot of people including myself the most. How did they do it? They who were in a worse position than me and a more difficult task ahead of me and were not expected to go ahead of me? How could I have lost to them? How the hell did I end up the loser? Watching those behind me race ahead to safety...this has been the story of my life...I who was touted to be a prodigy, someone with hordes of talent and potential, whose raw intelligence and capability was much higher than others end up watching those with much lower potential, those who were supposed to be failures, those who seemed to be no good race on ahead of me and I am left behind watching everyone go ahead...Looking back now, I see very few people and new faces, all the old familiar faces behind me have gone ahead past me in every walk of life, be it career or relationship or happiness...I have lost everything, struggling to stay afloat, doing things only so that I am able to catch up, no inherent interest. Everything I do is merely to catch up to those ahead of me. If I leave the race, I will be ashamed of myself and filled with guilt. I deeply envy those ahead of me and yet I find myself unable to quit out of shame. How can I quit when those with much lower skills than me are succeeding? How can I quit when those with much lower abilties are conquering ever new milestones. How can I be finding everything so fucking difficult? And why is it so difficult for me to cope? How do the others manage to cope with life and failure? I dont seem to be able to deal with life...how do you guys do it, please let me know...i might put on an appearance of strength but deep down i am tired and weak and scared...maybe i will be a loser and failure all through life...an 'escapist' who never had the courage to face up to life and improve himself...an 'escapist' with no determination to better himself and his circumstances...an 'escapist' afraid of responsibilities and obligations....an 'escapist' too weak to have a wife or family or success...who escapes into the darkness of his own mind...unable to support himself...too weak to face the truth of life..thats who i am...i have never had the courage to propose to a woman or to even convey my feelings to those whom i have loved, so i lost them all...i even lost my pride when i discovered that i am too weak to succeed...too weak to endure any responsibilities...how can i pretend to be someone great and capable in this world?...i have fallen down hard, all my delusions have been broken...i realize that i am incapable and worthless and weak...i dont pretend to be strong or capable...i dont know anything...life is much wiser than i...i dont even know if i should quit or stay...i am not even capable of deciding that...
i keep making the same mistakes over and oer again...i am incapable of learning from my mistakes...i am one of the black sheeps of humanity...all i know is to destroy something good...everything that people tell you that you shouldn't be, i am that, i am everything that the world hates...i am an example of all that has gone wrong...i guess i have to live at the bottom...and be the last one...eventually everyone else will go ahead of me and i will be the last one left...parents will advise their children to work hard or else they will end up as me...the only reason i dont quit is because of fear...and maybe someday, inspite of myself life will surprise me...but even then i might be incapable to taking the opportunity...i am deeply afraid of falling...i am deeply afraid of being last...i dont want to be last, but i dont have the determination to overcome others who are so strong in the game of survival...i have no more confidence in myself...escapists cannot win, they are destined to lose...and i am an escapist, so i will lose...yet i am afraid of losing...i dont want to leave my comfort zone and i dont want to lose...and i dont have determination...am not geared to survive in this world...death is near...i feel it approaching, but even worse than death is humiliation and the loss of pride...i have been humiliated by life today...i have lost all my pride...who am i?
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